Colors 2025

I went to happy hour with a girlfriend last week. Her birthday is the day after mine in February. We will both be turning 50 and she keeps asking me what my plans are because it’s a milestone. I would love to have some huge trip planned or some great celebration but honestly, I am just trying to get through December after barely surviving November so girl… I will get back to you.

I went to see a documentary of The Cure the other day performing a concert live.

Their Disintegration tour at Fiddler’s Green in 1989 was my first concert without a grown-up at 13, opening with Plainsong. Sitting in the Alamo movie theater, two months away from my 50th birthday, listening to him sing about being old and feeling pain while reminiscing about being so young and so in love with Robert Smith and at the very beginning of my journey with this love of music and concerts and the way seeing my favorite bands can heal me was such a strange full circle.

 

 

I went to see Halsey in November with Blue. She has the song Colors that has been my ringtone for Blue for years because the chorus is “everything is blue” so every time Blue calls me, it’s Halsey singing Colors “Everything is Blue.” The song has always felt special to me because the lyrics include Everything is Blue and Everything is Gray. Up until a few years ago, my children were Jameson Gray and Isabella Blue so both of their color-coded middle names were part of this song I loved.

BB dropped the Bella and is now just Blue, which is why the ringtone is perfect for him but after this summer dealing with Jason’s ongoing issues and finally filing for divorce, I realized this song is more Jason than it has ever been Blue’s.

 

 

I loved being at the show with Blue because I love sharing these experiences with him. We’ve seen Halsey at Red Rocks and Pepsi Center and she’s always amazing. This show was probably the best one yet, a Back to Badlands tour, but it was a tiny bit shattering to have this song that I’ve always associated with my son Blue be disconnected and reconfigured to remind me of sad unhappy memories instead.

That was the beginning of the November I mentioned barely surviving earlier. I own several rentals with my ex that we manage which is usually less of a nightmare than you would think but we had a tenant move out on Halloween after completely trashing the house which meant hours of quality time together and labor. We re-painted literally every square inch of the place, removed truckloads of garbage, installed blinds plus multiple repairs trying to put this Humpty Dumpty home back together on top of our busy schedules and full-time jobs so my nerves were frayed, not to mention being thousands of dollars short for mortgage payments with an unrentable house.

To pile on, my relationship with my youngest son has been very tricky this year, for all his teen years but definitely since I separated from his dad. Blue was 18 when we separated and already out of the house for the most part, so Jameson feels shafted by not having his parents together his entire childhood. He was too young to remember all the times Blue protected him and distracted him from our worst fights or other trauma. I don’t really agree with staying together for the kids, I just hope Jamo can see it too someday. This summer was especially heartbreaking and I failed him. We had some awful screaming matches. We didn’t speak for all of October, but my mom helpfully reminded me there were months that we didn’t speak when I was that age too. I found some musical wisdom listening to Lorde’s Supercut.  She’s singing about a breakup, but our fights felt like a breakup to me. We are the same pig-headed stubborn person, and his mean words cut me to pieces. Blue and I saw Lorde at Red Rocks in October. I was inwardly groaning because Red Rocks is a slog and October could be freezing (such a spoiled native I know) but she was so fucking amazing, we’re flying to LA in May to see her again. I listened to this song on repeat, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut when Jameson would call.

I invited Jameson to go see Hobo Johnson with me in Fort Collins November 16th in an effort to mend fences and spend some time together. Blue turned 21 in October, and we were leaving the next morning for a celebratory birthday trip to Vegas with my mom. Jameson asked if his girlfriend could come to the show because they’re Siamese inseparable then told me THEY would meet me there. So much for quality time, not only are we NOT driving the 90 minutes there and back together, but I also get to drive there alone when I already drive 70,000 miles a year (not an exaggeration.) These miscues might be why we’re always fighting. I do love his girlfriend; I would just like maybe an hour of his undivided attention too one of these days. Regardless, it was another great show, the third time Jameson and I have seen him. He has this song that has become one of my single lady mantras and I love it! I’m actually grateful to my children for introducing this old bag to new music no matter how much I resist.

February 15th-Hobo Johnson

Driving home from Fort Collins that night, my friend called to tell me that one of our friends, also one of our tenants, had completed suicide the day before in the basement of one of our rentals. A bit shellshocked, I hopped on a plane to Vegas the next morning with my mom and Blue for an amazing three-day trip that ended in tears and frustration because 72 hours is too long for anyone in Vegas and I’m pretty good at running myself ragged until I snap.

After spending weeks and thousands of dollars fixing up the busted rental from Halloween, we managed to find a new tenant the week of Thanksgiving who put down a deposit then ghosted us for the first ten days of December, so I studied up on Colorado eviction laws and served a Demand for Compliance. We finally received rent December 23rd but who knows what January, or the following months will look like. I hate the holidays, the fake cheer, the stress, how much everyone goes out of their mind, rages and has too much on their plate. I scheduled massages and chiropractors and whatever self-care I could fit in while also cramming in shows, dinners and everything else but we survived the multiple family get togethers, had a lot of good times actually. Surprisingly, my most dreaded month December was easier than November in most ways. I’m still working on plans for my looming 50th birthday but as I type this, with 54 minutes left of this dumpster fire year, listening to Dance Yrself Clean at my desk instead of on the dance floor at Lipgloss NYE (because Spotify shuffle is a spooky bitch sometimes) if not “forever” I was alone for New Year’s Eve and I feel fine. It was good to get back to writing even if it was all just a bunch of song lyrics. Maybe you’ll look up a new song in 2026. Maybe I’ll find a real therapist instead of Spotify and a very occasional (annual) writing session. In the meantime, music is medicine.

Happy New Year!

Dance Yrself Clean-LCD Soundsystem